6 days and counting..

Chemo. 6 days away. Will it work? Will it be enough? Will it be in time? Which of the 20 possible side effects will I experience? So many questions as it approaches. As upbeat as I stay through my journey, hopefully “heard” in through my posts. There are days that are grueling. Mind attacking. Overwhelming. If you go through trauma in your life. Now. Ever. I want you to know it’s not weakness. It’s not failure. It’s not a lack of trust it God. It’s life, during times like these. The weight can be a crushing weight. Between the burden taken by Jesus and the burden taken by friends and family that walk with you. There’s still a lot. Of weight. To carry. Acknowledging that somedays the burden is crushing is not failure. Is not surrender. Is not giving in. This journey is tiring. Hard to understand. Hard to find the right words to describe. Wondering is not worrying. Wondering is not fear. Wondering is not failure. Will I see 70? Is this my last time to….? Will this treatment or drug work? Will I ever feel normal again? So many questions that need to be asked. So many questions that need to be felt. Please know that I understand. Because – every question you ask – I’ve probably already asked. Worry is crushing. Fear is stifling. But asking questions is ok. Wondering is ok. Total trust in God doesn’t mean denial. We are going through what we are going through. And there are questions. And we need answers. Jesus knows that. And Jesus is ok with that. #mystoryforHisglory

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