My Journey Through Cancer

Chemo. Good? Bad? Yes. Chemo is often described as “the treatment that’s worse than the disease it’s treating”. True. Maybe. Maybe not. The possible side effects for the Chemo drug I’m on can be daunting. Nausea. Hair loss. Neuropathy. Nails turning blue. Headaches. Change in taste. Change in smell. Chest pain. Chills. Weight gain. Unusual bruising. Etc. Etc. Etc. About 30 others. Long list. My cancer has only one side effect that I can think of. Death. It can, and will, try to kill me. So…help me here. Help me weigh my option. Nausea or death. Hair loss or death. Aches and pains or death. Again. Etc. Etc. Etc. This battle demands strength. This battle demands commitment. This battle demands sacrifice. I can sit in the stands and watch this battle from the sidelines. Hoping for the best. A miracle. A cure. Or I can give it every ounce of fight I’ve got. Experience some side effects. Suffer through. All in an effort to win. To beat this ugly life-taking POS. I read this recently: “Cancer is a fight to the death. Either you kill it or it will kill you. Get ready for a brawl!” I love too many people. Too many people love me. A wife that wants me beside her. A Jesus that I adore. A Jesus that loves me. Not to fight. Not to sacrifice. Not to win. So win it will be!!! My knees will be worn from ever giving this battle to Him. Listen. Now. >The Battle Belongs to You! #mystoryforHisglory

I saw this yesterday and the simple but amazing truth of this jumped off the page. How many times are we in a “storm” and we relate God’s peace to the storm ending. Over. Gone. The truth is even better. God’s peace comes sooner. Not at the end. Or even near the end. God’s peace is with us during the storm. It’s what we need to get through it. To get to the other side of what we are in. God’s peace gives us the confidence to deal with what we are going through. Without His peace during the storm – we may not make it through. God’s peace at the end would probably be too late. So as we go through our struggles – don’t look for His peace in the distance. Know it’s wrapped around you here. Now. Right where you are. The comfort that truth brings is what makes mountains manageable. Mountains Conquerable.

My story. So many components. Some good. Some bad. Some great. Some not so great. But my story. My whole story – shows Jesus – what he can and will do. From saving me from wrong turns I’ve tried so hard to make in my life – through His presence on my journey through cancer. It’s my story. But my story shows who God is. Who Jesus is. Their love. Their comfort. Their peace. No matter what I’ve needed. No matter when I’ve needed. Jesus is there. Ready. Willing. Able. To save me from myself – or to show me His peace. Because of Jesus we can have victory. His victory. And ultimately Heaven. As I travel my present path through cancer – prayers for complete healing surround. From me. From Debbie. From so many friends. But as I repeat so often “my worst case scenario isn’t too bad”. And that’s because “my story” includes Jesus. And every single thing that loving Jesus offers. My life. My journey would be so different without Jesus.

My Story by Big Daddy Weave

If I told you my story
You would hear hope, that wouldn’t let go
And if I told you my story
You would hear love that never gave up

And if I told you my story
You would hear life, but it wasn’t mine
If I should speak, then let it be of the grace
That is greater than all my sin

Of when justice was served, and where mercy wins!
Of the kindness of Jesus, that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story, is to tell of Him

If I told you my story, you would hear victory
Over the enemy
And if I told you my story, you would hear freedom
That was won for me

And if I told you my story, you would hear life
Overcome the grave
If I should speak, then let it be of the grace
That is greater than all my sin

Of when justice was served, and where mercy wins!
Of the kindness of Jesus, that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story, is to tell of Him

This is my story, this is my song
Praising my savior, all the day long
This is my story, this is my song
Praising my savior, all the day long

For the grace that is greater, than all my sin
Of when justice was served, and when mercy wins!
Of the kindness of Jesus, that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story, is to tell

Of the grace that is reater, than all my sin
Of when justice was served, and when mercy wins!
Of the kindness of Jesus, that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story, is to tell of Him
Oh to tell you my story, is to tell of Him

This is my story, this is my song
Praising my savior, all the day long

Listen ➡️ ➡️ MY STORY by big daddy weave

I’ve mentioned in a previous post that one of my all time favorite movies was Shawshank Redemption. Today I want to talk Brooks. Today I want to talk Red.

First – Brooks. In the movie, a peaceable older man. In jail a long long time for a crime committed many years prior. Brooks became very comfortable in jail. He was the librarian. He was overall well liked. And Brooks grew accustomed to jail. That was his life. That was his home. Brooks became so comfortable that his release after 50 years of imprisonment was a shock. A shock he couldn’t handle. After being out for a short time. A job in a grocery store. He wanted to go back. He considered committing another crime to return to the life he found comfortable. Anything to get back there. Ultimately, Brooks was so despondent over his release, he took his own life.

How many of us are a “Brooks”? We’ve been living somewhere for so long that it’s comfortable. Maybe even, somewhere we shouldn’t be, but it’s where we are. So comfortable. Too comfortable. We fear leaving. There are many places/things we can find comfort in, that maybe we shouldn’t. And many of us, or maybe someone we know, are there. In a world we don’t want to be in, but are too afraid to leave. But there’s a better way. A way out. Find someone you trust. Someone you aren’t afraid to share with. Someone that cares about you. Cares less about where you are and more about where you could be. Wants to help you. Help you become you.

Then there was Red. Murder. Red took 3 lives. His wife and accidentally two neighbors with her. Red was given a life sentence. And served a number of those years. Years that softened him. But, also years that made prison comfortable. The difference. The big difference. When Red was surprisingly released, he had a plan. To find Andy. And to better himself. And he did.

So what will we do? Stay in the world we’ve put ourselves in. Somewhere we maybe shouldn’t be. Because we are comfortable. Because we are afraid. Of what it will take to have a different life. I say be a Red, don’t be a Brooks.

The jail that holds you. Break out. Break free. Live the life you were made for. Live the life Jesus has for you.

I do not fight alone. I do not cry alone. I do not trust Jesus alone.

My journey is hard. I have numerous days I don’t feel well as I get farther into Chemo. I have an occasional day where I turn to Debbie and say “being strong is hard”. And the wonder. Two years left? Four years left? Will God totally heal and take me to old age?

But Debbie. My beautiful, amazing wife that walks alongside. What an amazing gift from God. Debbie cries with me. Debbie prays with me. Debbie trusts God completely with me. Debbie takes amazing care of me. Debbie loves me.

I have a friend. An amazing friend. A friend, that, because we have both experienced Prostate Cancer, have become “friends closer than brothers”. For over 1 1/2 years Mark and I have met regularly. And we have shared. We have learned. And we have always expressed how different our journeys would have been without the amazing wives God gifted us with. We have begun getting together regularly, all 4 of us, rather than just Mark & I. Debbie & I and Mark & Lisa. Because our wives are a part of this. A part of our journey. And a big part of making this tolerable. Manageable. Mark & I know. We’ve always known. We need them. Every single minute we need them.

Often I wonder. Does Debbie ever fall apart when I head to work. Does Debbie stay strong in front of me, just for me. We’ve had a little over 5 years together. 5 of the 25 or more we expected. Debbie didn’t sign up for this. But her strength. Her love. Her trust in God. Are amazing. Debbie pours strength into me because of who she is.

Debbie, thank you. I love you and pray we have way more than two years left together. But I know that whether 2 or 22 they will be amazing because – God Gave Me You!

‘Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs. My Thank You to you Debbie!!

God Gave Me You by blake shelton

I’ve been a walkin’ heartache
I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately
Ain’t who I wanna be
But you stay here right beside me
And watch as the storm blows through
And I need you

‘Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

Gave me you

There’s more here than what we’re seein’
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You’ll always be love’s great martyr
And I’ll be the flattered fool
And I need you
Yeah!

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

Half of what I could be
I can’t do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo

‘Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you, gave me you
He gave me you

➡️➡️➡️ God Gave Me You

Whatever. Whatever. Let me repeat. Whatever.

Remember after 9/11, one phrase used so often was “The firefighters and policemen ran toward trouble.” As so many ran to escape – we revered the first responders that stayed true to their calling. Their mission. Whatever the trouble – first responders run to it while everyone else runs away.

We have a Jesus that shows that same trait. That same dedication. That same love. Whatever. Whatever. The problem. Jesus comes. To help. To comfort. So why are we sometimes hesitant to take it. Maybe even to believe it. Do you ever find yourself thinking “this isn’t big enough to trouble Jesus with”. “He’s got more important things to worry about”. In a minute when you read the lyrics and listen to the song below. Pay attention to how often whatever is repeated. Over and over. Because that’s Jesus. When you need Him. When I need Him. He doesn’t run our need through a “quantitative need analyzing machine” before He responds. Before He cares. He runs toward us. Immediately. Whatever. So we need to remember that when trouble. When fear. When hurt. Attack. Call out. Then watch Jesus prove the “whatever may come” part. We may try to classify our needs before we reach out. STOP IT!! Stop it now!! Every single thing we go through. Good or bad. Is important to Jesus. Because we are important to Jesus. You are. I am.

Think of it this way. Jesus already knows what we are going through. What we are dealing with. So we can’t hide it. We just need to “cry out” to Him. And watch Him respond. Whatever May Come.

Whatever May Come by jeremy and adrienne camp

Whatever I face
Whatever the fear
Whatever the cost
You always draw near
Whatever the pain
Whatever may come
Whatever may fall
Your love overcomes
Your love overcomes

I will call
I will call upon You
Whatever I face
You are with me
I will fall
I will fall on my knees
For every heartbreak
You will hold me
You will hold me, oh, oh

Whatever I face
Whatever the fear
Whatever the cost
You always draw near
Whatever the pain
Whatever may come
Whatever may fall
Your love overcomes
Your love overcomes

I will call
I will call upon You
Whatever I face
You are with me
I will fall
I will fall on my knees
For every heartbreak
You will hold me
You will hold me

Every wall will break
All the darkness shake
All the joy will be renewed
So, every knee let’s bow
Raise a victory shout
For the King will make things new
Every mountain moved
Every lie be loose
For Your banner we’re lifting high
For neither depth nor height
Nor any life
Could ever cast Your love aside

Every wall will break
All the darkness shake
All the joy will be renewed
So every knee let’s bow
Raise a victory shout
For the King will make things new
I will call
I will call upon You
Whatever I face

I will call
I will call upon You
Whatever I face
You are with me
I will fall
I will fall on my knees
For every heartbreak
You will hold me

Whatever I face
Whatever the fear
Whatever the cost
You always draw near
Whatever the pain
Whatever may come
Whatever may fall
Your love overcomes
Your love overcomes

Whatever may fall
Your love overcomes
Whatever may come
You will hold me

Listen. Here. ➡️ Whatever May Come

First, thank you for being patient this week. I love this blog. Sharing my story as I journey through Stage IV cancer with you. This week has been my toughest post-Chemo week yet. Your prayers were loved, felt and appreciated. Stepping away for a couple of days was hard but a must do. My amazing sister ended a text of encouragement to me by saying this – “you’re a threat to the devil”. That brought a tear. How amazing to fight through this week. Then hear. You’re a threat. To the devil. My goal. My ambition.

Yesterday, one of my amazing friends – let’s call him “Dr. Aaron Unscripted” texted me some encouragement. A prescription – let’s call it. This was in the form of 5 powerful songs. He said – “Pay attention to #5. One of my favorite “worship” songs. If Jesus wrote me a letter, I hope this would be it”. So I took Dr Aaron Unscripted’s Rx and listened. As it began, I thought “worship song? this is Billy Joel”. But I followed his advice. I cast it on to the TV. Then volume went up. As “Just the way you are” began playing. I listened. Eventually – I had to wipe a tear. “Just the way you are”. That’s how Jesus takes us. We don’t need to “straighten it all up first”. He takes us. He loves us. Just the way we are. As I listened – I began to feel a spirit of worship. As I felt those tears slide down my cheek, I heard it. I felt it. I knew it.

Don’t imagine you’re too familiar
And I don’t see you anymore
I would not leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far, mmm
I took the good times, I’ll take the bad times
I’ll take you just the way you are

I said I love you, that’s forever
And this I promise from the heart, mmm
I couldn’t love you any better
I love you just the way you are, right

Yes, that’s Jesus. To us. A reminder of the letter He would write. Did write. He takes us all. Just the way you are.

Open your heart. Listen. Hear it. Love it. Trust it. Accept it. ➡️ Just The away You Are by billy joel

Where do you go when you need strength. Where do I go. We have a God that has all of the strength we need. All of it. And more. He is always ready, all we have to do is ask. Nothing. Not one single thing. Is beyond His power. He can. And will. Comfort. He can. And will. Give peace. He can. And will. Give strength. As we go through our lives we will face many times that are beyond us. Beyond what we can handle. But. We will never ever face anything that is beyond God. Beyond Jesus. His shoulders are ready. And able. To carry our burden. So why do we sometimes feel we need to keep it. To ourselves. Bear it alone. Let the burden of what we are going through weigh us down. Weaken us. Smother us. Let me promise you – we don’t. Ever. Have to. We can release it all to Jesus and He will take it. Carry it. And continue to love us through it all. So let’s practice Casting our Burdens. Casting our Cares. Casting our Worries. On Him!!!

Shoulders by For King & Country

I look up to the mountains
Does my strength come from the mountains?
No, my strength comes from God
Who made heaven and earth, and the mountains

When confusion’s my companion
And despair holds me for ransom
I will feel no fear
I know that You are near

When I’m caught deep in the valley
With chaos for my company
I’ll find my comfort here
‘Cause I know that You are near

My help comes from You
You’re right here, pulling me through
You carry my weakness, my sickness, my brokenness
All on Your shoulders
Your shoulders

My help comes from You
You are my rest, my rescue
I don’t have to see to believe that
You’re lifting me up on Your shoulders
Your shoulders

You mend what once was shattered
And You turn my tears to laughter
Your forgiveness is my fortress
Oh, Your mercy is relentless

My help comes from You
You’re right here, pulling me through
You carry my weakness, my sickness, my brokenness
All on Your shoulders
Your shoulders

My help comes from You
You are my rest, my rescue
I don’t have to see to believe that
You’re lifting me up on Your shoulders
Your shoulders

My help is from You
Don’t have to see it to believe it
My help is from You
Don’t have to see it, ’cause I know, ’cause I know it’s true

My help is from You
Don’t have to see it to believe it
My help is from You
Don’t have to see it, ’cause I know, ’cause I know it’s true

My help comes from You
You’re right here, pulling me through
You carry my weakness, my sickness, my brokenness
All on Your shoulders
Your shoulders

My help comes from You
You are my rest, my rescue
I don’t have to see to believe that
You’re lifting me up on Your shoulders
Your shoulders

My help is from You
Don’t have to see it to believe it
My help is from You
Don’t have to see it, ’cause I know, ’cause I know it’s true

My help is from You
Don’t have to see it to believe it
My help is from You
Don’t have to see it, ’cause I know, ’cause I know it’s true

My help is from You
Don’t have to see it to believe it
My help is from You
Don’t have to see it, ’cause I know, ’cause I know it’s true

My help is from You
Don’t have to see it to believe it
My help is from You
Don’t have to see it, ’cause I know, ’cause I know it’s true

Listen ➡️ Shoulders by For King & Country

Today’s a hard day. As has been typical, the Sunday and Monday after my Thursday Chemo treatment are very tough days. Extreme exhaustion, mild nausea (shoutout her to Rebecca V for volunteering to let me use her “relief-band” – amazing) and just plain feeling really terrible.

But, in the midst of all of this, still so much to praise and thank Jesus for!! First, Thursday’s tests results showed my PSA is trending back downward – so the Chemo is working. Second, our church small group is meeting this afternoon. The entire group called on speakerphone to pray for me and encourage me. Third, my amazing “walk alongside” sister surprised me with a delivery of a number of items shown to help ease some of these symptoms. Fourth, other friends have reached out. Checking with Debbie to see how I am.

I know I will make it through. I know later this week I’ll be back. To my new normal, at least. So “this too shall pass”.

Again, as I’ve mentioned often. This journey would be so different without my “village”. Without my team of those who love and care. Jesus has given me so many that I need, and they seem to know exactly when I need something. Prayer. Encouragement. A little care package. My eyes have been overwhelmed today with tears of love. Tears of joy. Tears of thankfulness.

Colossians 3:12

¹² So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and ^[a]patience;

This is when it gets real. This is when my “village” surrounds me with the true meaning of love.

#mystoryforHisglory

From the start of my cancer journey I came up with and have used frequently – #mystoryforHisglory. I felt it shared my hope that as my cancer story developed that I would always use it as part of my story to always show what God has done and is doing for me.

Then – Matthew West releases My Story Your Glory.

A song that expresses what I feel. Everything we do. Good. Bad. Everything we experience. Good. Bad. Is developing Our Story. And every chapter of our story is an opportunity to share Jesus. Share God. What He’s brought us through. What He’s blessed us with. Everything. Every single thing. It’s our story. And God can and will use it. If we let him. So rather than hiding. Feeling shame for mistakes. Shame for something we’ve done, said, experienced. Rather than gloating over abundant blessings. Let’s remember. It’s our story. But we don’t own it. And we didn’t actually write it. It’s been developed so that each and every one of us. Can take our millions of stories. Each one different. To show God. To show Jesus. To show where they can take us when we come alongside Them. Trust Them. Love Them. I plan to continue to share my story. My God written. God developed story. As praise. As a Thank You. So join me. Share yours. The good – the bad – the ugly. Someone needs to hear YOUR story to help understand THEIR story.

My Story Your Glory by matthew west

The story of me was a story of shame
Wrong turns written on every page
So many parts that were so messed up
But I love the part where You showed up
Rewriting my past, rewriting my hurt
Line by line, word by word
And now my story is livin’ proof
There’s not a chapter that you can’t use

My story, Your glory
My pain, Your purpose
My mess, Your message
In all things, I know You’re workin’
One life, one mission
One reason why I’m livin’
All for You, not for me
My story, Your glory

Now the story of me is a story of grace
Fingerprints of mercy on every page
No more ashamed of the path I took
You set me free to be an open book
If even my scars are part of Your plan
Take all of my heart, Lord, here I am
My only cause ’til You call me home
Is knowin’ You more and makin’ You known

My story, Your glory
My pain, Your purpose
My mess, Your message
In all things, I know You’re workin’
One life, one mission
One reason why I’m livin’
All for You, not for me
My story, Your glory

All of me, all for You
Let all I say and all I do
Point to the One who changed my life
And let me speak the legacy I leave behind

My story, Your glory
My pain, Your purpose
My mess, Your message
In all things, I know You’re workin’
One life, one mission
One reason why I’m livin’
All for You, not for me
My story, Your glory

Listen here ➡️ Right here ➡️ My Story Your Glory

#mystoryforHisglory

Love, love this song. At a VIP experience earlier this year, I had the opportunity to tell Zach how much this song meant. To me. We often get caught up in being “me”. When we should want “a little more like “Jesus”, a little less like – me”.

And it’s actually easy to do. Think outside. Outside your circle. We can do big. We can do little. For others. A smile. An “I appreciate you” to the waitress. An “I Thank You for what your doing” – to the Dr. To the nurse. To the Chemotherapy technician. A quick friendly conversation with a stranger. My cancer has put me into a world where too many people struggle. Struggle to smile. Struggle to find joy. Struggle to find peace. Struggle to keep faith. I get it. It’s hard. Hearing you have way less life left than you planned. It’s tough. But I wont be that. I want to drip with peace. Overflow with joy. I want to think outside – me. Jesus had 33 years. Period. 33. Then he was done on earth. But he didn’t focus on that. He didn’t focus on the end. He focused on the time between now and then. Who could He touch. Who could He encourage. Who could He minister to. There were many that needed Him. If He would have focused on the agonizing death He would experience – in 33 years. It would have been different. For so many. But He thought outside. So for me, my hope – A Little More Like Jesus, A Little Less Like Me. Works. Works just fine.

Read the lyrics. Focus on what the words are saying. Then listen below.

Less Like Me by Zach Williams

… Oh, I have days I lose the fight
Try my best but just don’t get it right
Where I talk a talk that I don’t walk
And miss the moments right before my eyes

… Somebody with a hurt that I could have helped
Somebody with a hand that I could have held
When I just can’t see past myself
Lord, help me be

… A little more like mercy, a little more like grace
A little more like kindness, goodness, love, and faith
A little more like patience, a little more like peace
A little more like Jesus, a little less like me

… Yeah, there’s no denying I have changed
‘Cause I’ve been saved from who I used to be
But even at my best, I must confess
I still need help to see the way You see

… Somebody with a hurt that I could have helped
Somebody with a hand that I could have held
When I just can’t see past myself
Lord, help me be

… A little more like mercy, a little more like grace
A little more like kindness, goodness, love, and faith
A little more like patience, a little more like peace
A little more like Jesus, a little less like me

… Oh, I wanna feed the beggar on the street
Learn to be Your hands and feet
Freely give what I receive
Lord, help me be
I want put You first above all else
Love my neighbor as myself
In the moments no one sees
Lord, help me be
(One, two, three)

… A little more like mercy, a little more like grace
A little more like kindness, goodness, love, and faith
A little more like patience, a little more like peace
A little more like Jesus, oh, a little less like me

… A little more of living everything I preach
A little more like Jesus, a little less like me
Oh, a little less like me

Listen Here – ➡️ Less Like Me by Zach Williams